The illusion of not knowing

September 17, 2026

Note to self:

Underneath the noise you know exactly what you are. You can experience yourself fully at any moment, but it’s easier to distract yourself.

Connecting to yourself means losing yourself

You feel safe when you cling to the map of who you are, but when you’re experiencing yourself through your five senses, the map is gone, and you’re on your own. You enter the unknown. No nouns to describe yourself, no fellow lost souls telling you who you are, or what to do. Just a fucking void that swallows the entire idea of you.

You won’t say what you want, because of what it would reveal

Admitting to yourself you already know what you want gives you two options. Feeling the inadequacy of not having it. Or, and more likely, face the reality that you already have it all. And that just might bring you to your fucking knees.

The mask economy

Dressing up and doing the social dance for people to fulfill our 17 year olds idea of a good life, is the economy most of us live in. And maybe it’s worth it. Maybe you could do so well that you could claim all the resources to do whatever it is you actually want to do. Or maybe you could just do that now.

You don’t actually want that much

Strip away the borrowed futures and the invisible audience, and the list gets short. If you had no sense of self, no internal compass, no feelings, you would not want anything. The external result you long for is to satisfy something internal that you can feel now.

If I feel good, then I won’t do anything

You can whip a donkey to move, or you can give it a carrot. You are the donkey, and the one doing the whipping. Cut the shit, connect to yourself, and create something that you actually want. Or don’t.